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Home Jokes The WORST Dad Jokes on the Net! Really!

The WORST Dad Jokes on the Net! Really!

Dad Jokes… an unoriginal, predictable joke, especially with a bad pun, supposedly told by fathers, dads, and men of all shapes and sizes…


In fact, the worst… of the worst. Are you ready… Good, let’s go…

  • What did the ocean say to the beach?” Nothing, it just waved.
  • I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.
  • What’s the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30 (Tooth hurt-y!)
  • What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
  • What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!
  • How do you make a tissue dance? Put some boogie in it!
  • What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs!
  • What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom!
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
  • What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.
  • Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
  • An invisible man married an invisible women. Their kids were nothing to look at.
  • A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bar tender?”
  • What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
  • What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  • What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don’t worry I’ll ketchup.
  • How do trees access the internet? They log in.
  • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  • What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
  • How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
  • What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost bite.
  • What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
  • Why should you wear 2 pairs of socks when you golf? In case you get a hole-in-one.
  • Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He’s all right now!
  • Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP.
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop”.
  • I gave away all my used batteries today… free of charge!
  • I cut down a tree only using my vision… I saw it with my own eyes.
  • I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.
  • Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday!
  • Two hats were hanging on a rack. One said “You stay here, I’ll go on a head”.
  • What’s the king of all office supplies? The ruler.
  • What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s pop corn?
  • Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  • What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!
  • What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1forrest1
  • What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm? The CIEIO.
  • What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • Why was the doctor always so calm? Because he had a lot of patients.
  • What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo!
  • I don’t trust those trees… They seem kind of shady.
  • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!
  • How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles!
  • There’s a new type of broom in stores. It’s sweeping the nation!
  • What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.
  • Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
  • Why is it a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
  • What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
  • I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
  • Why can’t the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers.
  • Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
  • Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
  • I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something
  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
  • How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
  • Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  • What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
  • Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
  • What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
  • Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  • How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
  • Why do nurses like red crayons? Because they have to draw blood!
  • Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
  • What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!
  • How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
  • Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
  • Where do sharks go on vacation? Finland.
  • Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
  • What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
  • Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
  • What do Santa’s elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!
  • What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
  • Why are vampires always sick? Because they’re always coffin.
  • I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless!
  • I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
  • How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
  • What has two butts and kills people? An assassin!
  • What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
  • What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper!
  • Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
  • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  • What does a zombie vegetarian eat? GRRRAAAIINS!
  • What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
  • What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
  • I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
  • What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity… It’s impossible to put down!
  • Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
  • My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
  • How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
  • You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
  • Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? They’re making headlines.
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear!
  • What do you call bears with no ears? B.
  • You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
  • I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
  • What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
  • Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
  • Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
  • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
  • I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that’s just nuts!
  • What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.
  • I invented a new word today…Plagiarism!
  • What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
  • Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
  • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
  • What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
  • What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
  • What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!
  • What do you call it when a hen looks at a lettuce? A chicken caesar salad.
  • What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
  • Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic? It takes you back.
  • What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
  • It takes guts to be an organ donor.
  • What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.
  • I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
  • A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot. But that’s the last thing I need.
  • I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
  • Why do flamingoes life one leg up? Because if they lifted both up, they’d fall over.
  • I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
  • Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
  • If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
  • What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
  • Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
  • What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
  • How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
  • What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
  • What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
  • My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
  • What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
  • What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
  • Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
  • Don’t worry if your parachute doesn’t open… You have the rest of your life to fix it.
  • Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
  • What’s a robot’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
  • What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
  • How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
  • How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.
  • Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
  • Why should you buy socks with holes in them? Because it’s the only way to get your feet in.
  • Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas!
  • I want to go on a diet, but I have way too much on my plate right now.
  • Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
  • What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
  • Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
  • Why are piggy banks so wise? They’re filled with common cents.
  • What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
  • When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer? Because there are more geese on that side.
  • What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
  • What looks like half an apple? The other half.
  • When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

Enough knee-splappers for now…

Enjoy these Dad Joke books:

Howler Monkey
The most bizarre news, product, and people from around the world. Plus crazy things like videos, jokes, memes and celebrities. Yeah, I know.
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